We're not lost
by wearealllost
Summary: Bella finds herself trapped in secrets and lies when her mother goes to jail for murder. Will she ever find a home to feel safe in? A story about family relationships, crime, and romance. AH OCC Rated M for strong references to violence.
1. Prelude

_Prelude - how can you sleep when the rest of us cries?_

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**How can you sleep when the rest of us cries?**

That was a question I often got questioned, thou i never did answer it. But I'll give you the answer right now.

It is kind of simple, i guess. I've had it worse than you. I've been everywhere, seen things you could never imagine. Things you couldn't dream of. Things that shouldn't happen. Things that could be prevented. I could have prevented it. But I didn't.

The easy thing to say is that i was to scared to prevent it. I was always scared, for everything. I never showed it and everybody in my presens thought that it was okey, that I was okey. But I wasn't that either. I was never okey. Things were never okey. They never will be.

My mother. That is how it all started.

She was a classic beauty. Her long brown hair and piercing blue eyes made everyone jealous, but not me. Well, that's easy to explain. We look about the same, exept for the eyes, I had my fathers eyes.

I loved her, very much, but at the same time I couldn't stand it. All the attention. You see, when your mother is the most beautiful women in town, and may I add; single, you don't get left alone. At all. It always felt as if someone was looking. Even when I was alone in my room. And I was right; I was always being watched.

She was an artist, and as you may know, artists are difficult people. Artist see ordinary people like they are less worthy just because they don't see things as creative as they do, or so i've experienced. Since she was and artist, I became one. I had it in my nature. I have always painted, read and my guitar take me places where i've never been before, to my own world. True happiness, to me, was always found in the pages of a book or in the strings of my guitar, even in my pencils. Painting, reading and music is my life, my get away.

Her name was Renee. Renee Swan to be precise. When she was younger she had got knocked up by the one and only; Charlie Swan. They tought they were in love and got married and all that crazy shit. Well, do I have to say that they weren't inlove and that they split up about two weeks after she gave birth to me? No, exactly. That is what teenage parents do. They don't spend forever toghether like in fairytales, beacuse there isn't such things as fairytales. There isn't anything that's called an happy ending. I learned that the hard way.

When my father left us Renee didn't exactly know what to do. And that's proberbly why i turned out how i did, a stupid teenager with a crazy, beautiful mother. Yeah, that's us. In a nutshell.

When I was little she was always there for me, even if she had bigger problems herself, like where we would sleep for the night and how we were going to get food. But as i said, she was one of the good guys, to begin with. She loved me for who i was.

It wasn't until years later, when i turned 16, when I began to see a change in her. She wasn't the beautiful, nice women that i had always looked up to. I understood that she wasn't the good guy, she never was, and never would be. I grew up and realized that happiness was a lie. I just wish i could rewind and face the real world. The way it should be seen.

Everytime before I went to sleep she used to tell me that i couldn't trust anyone but her, that the other people around us, even the ones that helped us, were out to get us. That they were the enemies. But she was wrong. We were the different ones, not like other girls. We were the enemy, not them. We were the bad guys, and it wasn't until it was to late that i realised that we always were.

I didn't have the luxury of thinking, nobody does - some people make all the decisions for us. In my case it was my mother.

She was beautiful. She was proud. She was dangerous.

And now when i look back at the time I spent with her, can't help to miss it. I knew that there would be times when all the things she said would fill my head. I just didn't know how prominent the damage would be. But i''ll survive. I always do.

I wish i could tell you not to be scared, that this is a happy life, a happy story were you can laugh and smile when you have finished reading about it, but I cannot. This story will continue, even after it's end. Because that is how life is. It never ends, no matter how hard it is.

This is not a good way of living, with secrets and scars etching trough your bones and searching for a way to destroy you, peace by peace. It is to much for one person, and i know that it is eating me alive, every day. It consumes me, stripping me of my muscles and my skin until there is nothing left.

I wish you not to be scared, but  
This is _my_ story. _My_ life.

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_hi,  
A new story is up, this time in english, and I hope many more will read and like it._

_Pictures will be posted on my profile soon._

_I'll try to update as soon as possible, but it will go faster if you post a nice review._


	2. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1**

_The smoke was choking me, it filled my lungs to the brim and i could hear screaming coming from the other room. It was a mans voice. I took a deep breath trying to get to the clear air, but my whole room has full of it, the black, thick smoke. I hurled my body out over the bed and scrambled over the floor. I hit my little toe in my desk and screamed out in pain. I reached up towards my door, because i knew that it was the only way out, my windows were locked and it was to far to the ground. I could still hear the screams._

_I swung open my door and the whole livingroom was in flames. I could also see the flames coming up the stares, like they where chasing me. I tried to cover my moth with my sleeve but the panic was beginning to take over my body and my vision was beginning to get blurry. I crawled over the floor and reached the room where the screams were coming from. It was my parents room. I reached up to the handle and flung open the door. The furnitures were all over the place, some broken and some burning. In the middle of the room stood a man, he was screaming on the top of his lungs, and his ice-blue eyes were wrinkled up in pain. He was on fire. He flung himself against the wardrobe, that had already been trown against the floor and smashed, trying to save himself._

_The balcony doors where open behind him, and i could se my mother trying to climb up to the edge. I screamed and screamed and when she finally turned around her eyes looked as hard as stone, as black as the darkest of caves, but still full of serenity. She just stood looking at me, as if she didn't remember who i was. She streched out her arm to me, and smiled. My father was still screaming in pain, but we both knew that there was nothing left to do. I don't know why, but for a split second i was afraid of my mother. That wild look in the eyes, and the hair a mess. As if she knew this would happen, that it was meant to be._

_I could hear the roof cracking, and i knew it was about to crash down on me. But i wanted to stay with my father, nothing would ever take him away from me. If he was going to die tonight, i was too._

_- Bella, we have to jump!_

_My mom whispered in the wind. I looked up at her and took her hand. She helped me up and just as we were about to jump, i looked back at my father. The screams had died down now, but the flames were still licking and tasting his flesh. He could barely lay still, the pain was to unbearable. He looked at me with his ice-blue eyes, and his lips formed his last words._

_- I love you._

I woke up very peacefully, but the tears were streaming down my face. I took a deep breath and looked at the clock on my bedside table. Half past five. I knew i could never go back to sleep after my dreams so i got out of bed, my long crisp white nightgown fluttered around my legs when i tiptoed to my closet on the other side of the room. I opened the closet door carfully and took out my large sketch book and walked out on my balcony. I stood by the handrail and leaned forward, looking at the ground. It wasn't to far up, i could proberbly jump without hurting myself to much, i thought to myself. I looked up at the sunrise and closed my eyes. I could feel the warm breeze and I could still taste the smoke on my tongue. I took a large breath, enjoying the feeling of the clear air filling my lungs.

I opened my ice-blue eyes and tried to blink away the tears. I took another big breath and sat down on my little stool behind me. I started drawing with light strokes and i was lost in the moment of truth.

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- We don't have any milk.

- We never have any milk, i said and look up at my mother who was standing by the fridge.

She came up behind my and gently stroked away my hair from my shoulder and placed a kiss on my neck.

- Oh, you smell really good, she said.

- Yeah i just showered.

She smiled and took a glas from the shelf infront of us. She filled it with water. She sighed happily.

- What? i said and looked up at her again, this time in wonder.

- Oh, nothing, she answered and smiled while she drank her water.

I looked at her suspiciously, and then realised,

- He spent the night again, didn't he? I asked angrily.

She just lifted up her shoulders a tiny bit and walked out of the kitchen, still smiling.

I finished my breakfast faster than normal that morning and ran off to school.


End file.
